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Preparing for spouse's death can help you survive grief
Karen Stoker's husband, Jerry, was a romantic. "He loved red roses," the Hanford resident says. "On anniversaries and Valentine's Day, he got roses and chocolates."
Jerry, an electronic engineer, died of a stroke Oct. 12, 2004. He was 60.
"I was just in shock," she says. "I couldn't cry. There were so many things I had to do. I didn't have time to grieve."
Stoker's experience is much like that of Gloria Lenhart, author of "Planet Widow: A Mother's Story of Navigating a Suddenly Unrecognizable World" (Seal Press, $14.95). Her story of becoming a widow in 1998 at age 42 is an unflinching account on how each minute after her husband's Nick's death became "a ponderous weight."
Lenhart's husband died of a heart attack a few blocks from their Bay Area home. Based on the autopsy report, Nick literally had dropped dead.
"On the way to the hospital, I remember thinking, 'They'll be able to fix him. He'll be okay,' " she writes.
Nick also left behind his sons, Nikolaus, then 16, and Matthew, then 6.
"I think they have mixed feelings — as I do — about sharing details of our lives," Lenhart says in a recent interview. "I let Nikolaus, who is now 24, read it before I even submitted it for publication and made some changes based on his comments. Matthew is 14 now, and he's just reading the book for the first time. We've had some good discussions about what each of us remembers about Nick and what each of us were feeling during that awful year."
Lenhart's book follows her life as a widow, dealing with everything from making mortgage payments to going back to work as a marketing consultant to household repairs. Her book provides advice and lists support groups.
Few couples want to discuss death, she says.
"It absolutely can happen to you, and it can happen suddenly and without warning," she says. "But it is really important to think about what you need to have in a worst-case scenario."
At least, Lenhart says, all couples should have:
A will or trust. "Make sure it is current and signed!" she writes in the book.
Life insurance. "If you have kids this is essential, but even if you don't, it's a good idea," she writes. "Life insurance pays almost immediately -- usually all you need is a death certificate -- and it pays in cash. Life insurance can give you some breathing room by helping pay bills and keep your life going while you figure out what else you need to do.
A list of all bank accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, insurance policies, real estate holdings and any other assets, with account numbers, contact names and addresses.
A list of passwords or have backup passwords, especially if you routinely use online banking or bill-pay. Both partners need to have access to funds and information.
Dealing with such details after a spouse's death is daunting, Lenhart says.
"I hope readers view the book as a cautionary tale," she says. "I never thought it could happen to me, but it did. There were so many times that I just felt completely overwhelmed, but you have no choice but to go on and muddle through as best you can."
Stoker, 47, who moved from the Bay Area to Hanford after her husband's death, sought therapy to deal with her depression. The couple had been married seven years.
Today, Stoker has what she terms a "stiff upper lip" attitude. "I realized I was not getting anywhere by being depressed," she says. "My advice would be to let people help. Don't go it alone."
Her husband had suffered several mini-strokes.
"He felt he was dying," she says. "Before he died, he told me that I needed to get married again. ... I wanted to change the subject."
—Mary Lou Aguirre, the Fresno Bee
To share your thoughts or request an interview with the author, email contact@planetwidow.com.
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