Beyond the Casserole – What you can do to help someone in grief
Do reach out.
Even if you are only a casual friend or business acquaintance, call or at least send a card as soon as you hear about the death. It will mean a lot.
Do share a memory.
What is it that you’ll most remember about the person who is gone? Was it their laugh? Their crazy Halloween costumes? The way they never forgot their kids’ birthdays? The sympathy cards I treasured most were the ones which included a reminiscence, however small. Even a loved one’s foibles can be cherished memories. My husband was meticulous about keeping his car clean and several of his friends recalled for me how he steadfastly refused to let them eat anything in his car. These stories gave us a chance to laugh together, a welcome relief in a time of sorrow.
Do send flowers.
If they ask for donations in lieu of flowers, make a donation and then send or bring flowers anyway. Flowers bring light and cheer, and require very little maintenance. Best of all, when they begin to droop, they are easy to dispose of without guilt. If you can’t afford to have them sent from a florist, supermarkets or your own garden are affordable alternatives.
Don’t send a plant.
Plants seem too permanent, they require maintenance and, if they do manage to survive, they become an unwelcome reminder of the time of loss.
Do ask if you can help.
Someone has to make calls to friends and relatives to let them know what happened. Someone has to make hotel arrangements for people coming in from out of town. Someone has to coordinate the potluck reception after the funeral or find a caterer. Someone may be needed to pick people up at the airport. If you are able to do any of these things, let someone know.
Don’t wait to be asked for help.
If you see something that needs to be done, feel free to just do it. Even the most competent or controlling person will appreciate someone taking over small tasks, at least in the short term. Maintain reasonable limits: Don’t redecorate the living room or clean out their garage. But feel free to sweep leaves off the porch, load or unload the dishwasher, make another pot of coffee, or drop off groceries (especially staples like milk, butter, eggs, and essentials like tissues and toilet paper that tend to get forgotten).
Don’t offer advice.
This is not the time to advise the widow on selling the house, giving away her husband’s clothes, changing her hair or online dating. When she’s ready to make major changes, she will also be ready to ask for help.
Do bring comfort food, especially if there are children in the house.
People in mourning are not up to trying new things. Bring foods that are familiar and versatile. Rice pudding and quiche are nourishing, and can be eaten warm or cold, either for breakfast or as a late-night snack. Combinations like meatloaf and mashed potatoes, or baked chicken breasts with mac and cheese can be served together as dinner or made into sandwiches for lunch. Avoid anything spicy or highly flavored: think chicken soup, not Mexican lasagna. If it’s something you’d enjoy when you’re just getting over the flu, it’s probably okay.
Do keep in touch, even after the funeral.
Call to see how they are doing. Stop by for coffee or just to say hello. Offer a ride to church. Ask them over for dinner. Grief is very can be very lonely. Let them know they are not alone.
To share your thoughts or request an interview with the author, email contact@planetwidow.com.
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